Obesity is epidemic in this country, right? So we need a Department of Health and Fitness. And who better to head that up than a man: (singing) who wears short shorts- that’s right People, I’m talkin’ about fitness guru Richard Simmons. He may be old, but the boy’s in shape. He still rocks those Daisy Dukes like it’s “Nair Night” at the Birdcage. And for a little balance his right hand man should be Jillian—the bad-ass trainer from the Biggest Loser who makes everyone cry. It’s a win-win! She gets to be as sadistic as she wants to be and the people’s tears result in the loss of even more water weight.
We’ve got a Dept. of Education, but with the unprecedented rise in teen pregnancies clearly we need a Dept. of SEX Education and who better to head that up than Paris Hilton. C’mon, who’s had more sex, more public sex and has no humility whatsoever. Plus, as far as we know she’s never been knocked up so who better? Besides, it’ll be easy for her to get the message out. We’ll just give her a new show on MTV. Forget “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF” how about, “Paris Hilton’s My New STD”.
And just like Putin- racism is rearing its ugly head in this country, once again, but some folks are in denial. So I’ve gathered a “Fantasy Race Committee” to test the general public for racism. My ambassadors: Halle Berry, Derek Jeter and Slash from Guns ‘n Roses. All three are both half Black and half white. So if you don’t like, don’t want to be or don’t want to sleep with any them not only are you clinically insane, but guess what: (in my best Jeff Foxworthy voice) You might be a racist!