It’s come to my attention that teen sensation Miley Cyrus aka Destiny Hope Cyrus aka Hannah Montana aka Billy Ray Cyrus’ girlfriend…I mean daughter has a 7-figure book deal. Y’all she’s 16 years old! Now the Texas me thinks it’s wonderful- what I wouldn’t have given to been paid to share my tormented teenage thoughts with the world. But the New York me is like, “Whoa!!! Whoa!! Whoa! Wait a f*ckin’ minute! You’re 16 Miley!!! What could you possibly have to say that’s worth my dropping $24.99 at a Barnes and Noble?! Girlfriend, that’s a mani/pedi Monday through Wednesday…Here’s the deal, unless you’ve been trapped in a wall in an attic in Holland with your entire family for a few years- you got nothin’ to say. Unless you survived Darfur, a tsunami or you’re an escaped sex slave from the Ukraine, I don’t want to hear it. I’m not saying you won’t eventually have a story- just come back to me when you’ve lost all your baby teeth and had a visit from “Aunt Flo”.
I also saw in the news recently that a Chinese zoo has suffered it’s 3rd Panda Bear attack in 2 years. One case was a lonely man who just wanted to cuddle. The Texas me “gets” it. Pandas are always portrayed as sweet furry black & white “nuggets of love” that anyone with a heart would just wanna give a great BIG BEAR HUG to. But New York Karith is like, “Snap out of it jackasses! The operative word here is ‘BEAR’. Panda BEAR! Not Panda Puppy! Not Panda Pussy Cat! Panda frickin’ BEAR.” Bears eat people. You know what’s even more upsetting is that ½ an hour after the bears snacked on the Chinese natives they were hungry again. Damn shame.