A Few Ways to Know a Chinese Gymnast is Underage

I’ve been almost obsessed with China this past week, but that’s ‘cause they’ve just stolen the show on so many levels it’s scary. They’ve kicked our ass with regard to the gold medal count. They beat us outright in weightlifting, diving, even team gymnastics. AND they eat fried bugs on a stick! Be afraid America. Be very afraid. ‘Cause these people are disciplined, determined and fearless. Have y’all heard of this project 119- where they basically farm their young children out to remote schools where they master an athletic skill? They start YOUNG! In one report I saw a fetus being forced to do handstands and jumping jacks.

Speaking of young—I’m not naming names (mostly because I can’t pronounce them) but I am not convinced that the Chinese women’s gymnastic team are all the “legit” age of 16. And since it’s morally and ethically wrong to slice ‘em open real quick to check their rings like a tree—I have developed a safe and fool proof age-detector test.

1. Break the news that the next Harry Potter film which was supposed to be coming out in November this year, now won’t be out until Spring of ’09. Whoever has a nervous breakdown is either a 45 year-old New York recluse who collects newspapers and cats OR not even close to being 16.

2. If one of the girls “happens” to mysteriously lose a tooth on oh, I don’t know- some organic homemade bread. Casually mention that the Toothfairy’s been banned from China for trying to free Tibet and see who gets little tears in their eyes. (That’s a dead giveaway!)

3. Lastly, just leave a box of Tampax tampons in their rooms and any girl who asks “Why are those Q-tips are so big when my ears are so little?” Yeah, um they clearly shouldn’t be competing in the 2008 Olympics either.