Cross Country Universal Truths

In the past 8 days I have driven from New York City to Los Angels to shall we say, “give it a shot”—‘cause you can’t get struck by lightening if you’re not standing in the rain right? I had to drive because as anyone with 6 brain cells knows you HAVE to have some mode of transportation to get around out here. I know they have a mass transit system, but it’s got nothin’ on NYC’s MTA. In my 192-hour journey I became aware of things I’d never known before. I will share them with you in no particular order of importance.

Universal Truth #682: People who drive Dodge Chargers are rude, inconsiderate a-holes who like nothing better than to rev their engines, ride your tail and then cut you off WITHOUT using their blinker. Oh, and they usually have shitty tastes in car colors too- like lime green and banana yellow.

Universal Truth #439: “Gentlemen’s Clubs” i.e. tittie bars, strip joints whatever you want to call them always have cheesy names- usually girls’ names which is ironic because I doubt a woman is making the majority of the money that is being exchanged in such an establishment. I credit this knowledge to my passing by Jill’s, Savanna’s and Monica’s “gentlemen’s clubs” on my way through the Midwest. Oh, but wait there was a Godfather’s establishment. Just wondering why there wasn’t a Frank’s or Bill’s or Stan’s? Maybe because those clubs would be targeting the “man’s man.”

Universal Truth #12: Apparently people in the middle of the country celebrate the 4th of July all year-round. They must because why the hell else would there be so many fireworks stands…literally one every 50 miles. What else are these people doing with them?…Wait- I don’t want to know.

Universal Truth #455: Regardless of what state, coast or city you’re in 98% of people with personalized license plates have wasted there money on something stupid, BUT that makes them easier to catch if they are running from the law in their car. Thank you beat up Jeep with “SCREECH” as your license plate. And I can’t for get you Dodge Charger with “SUPRCHRGR” on your ass.

Universal Truth #1: Most people are good people who when greeted with a smile will return one in kind. I never felt unsafe or threatened and I know without a doubt that I live in the most beautiful and greatest country in the world and for that I am eternally grateful.