Don't Ruin it for the Rest of Us

I LOVE women! On a scale of 1 to 100…1 being Chris Brown- 100 being Ellen Degeneres- I’m like an 84…89 after a couple ‘a Cosmos and if you count my girl-crush on Vanessa Williams. What I don’t love are women who are effing it up for the rest of us. I’m talking about two ladies in particular: The Connecticut Cookoo who lured her estranged husband cross-country only to handcuff him to herself while he was sleeping AND the Swedish countess who’s looking for a $100 million dollar divorce settlement. Now, I’m not mad at either of y’all, but your techniques are all wrong.

Handcuff Lady- I’m your friend. I know you just wanted to have an in person heart to heart with your hubby. But going all Dog the Bounty Hunter on the man who moved across 3 time zones get away from your crazy ass was dumb! You did it ALL wrong! If you wanted his undivided uninterrupted attention you gotta go completely bat-crap-Kathy-Bates crazy. You should have knocked him out, taken him somewhere remote with no phone reception and broken his spirit like he was a wild horse who now has to carry all the fat kids at a Long Island bat mitzvah. End scene. You win!

Then there’s the countess. Countess, Countess, Countess. Hell yeah you deserve $100 million clams for shacking up with a dude who’s got ear hair older than your father. But you cannot go around telling folks how crappy your life of luxury was when your weekly allowance was more than most countries’ GDP.  And Pulease! Do not tell us how you had to beg Daddy Warbucks for a shagging so you could get sperminated!  Not only is that hard to believe, that’s just Eeewah! Do it the Deirdre Imus way. If you’re going to marry a cranky old geezer make sure he’s got the immune system of an albino lab rat. Sure it’ll suck for a looong time. But in the end you get EVERYTHING!!! Two words for ya CHA-CHING!

You whackjobs get it together ‘cause you’re ruining it for the rest of us. How the hell are single women like me supposed to convince their boyfriends that marriage is all that and a bag of chips when you’re making seem like marriage is all that and a bag of d*cks.