I’ve been a public personality on the radio for a little over a year now and many people know me as the sweet, well-meaning girl from Texas and they’re right- but I’m complex people. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde there is a dark side to Karith Foster. A side that I try not to let anyone see, but I realize by holding that part of myself back I’m only hurting ME and cheating YOU!
It’s come to my attention that teen sensation Miley Cyrus aka Destiny Hope Cyrus aka Hannah Montana aka Billy Ray Cyrus’ girlfriend…I mean daughter has a 7-figure book deal. Y’all she’s 16 years old! Now the Texas me thinks it’s wonderful- what I wouldn’t have given to been paid to share my tormented teenage thoughts with the world. But the New York me is like, “Whoa!!! Whoa!! Whoa! Wait a f*ckin’ minute! You’re 16 Miley!!! What could you possibly have to say that’s worth my dropping $24.99 at a Barnes and Noble?! Girlfriend, that’s a mani/pedi Monday through Wednesday…Here’s the deal, unless you’ve been trapped in a wall in an attic in Holland with your entire family for a few years- you got nothin’ to say. Unless you survived Darfur, a tsunami or you’re an escaped sex slave from the Ukraine, I don’t want to hear it. I’m not saying you won’t eventually have a story- just come back to me when you’ve lost all your baby teeth and had a visit from “Aunt Flo”.
I also saw in the news recently that a Chinese zoo has suffered it’s 3rd Panda Bear attack in 2 years. One case was a lonely man who just wanted to cuddle. The Texas me “gets” it. Pandas are always portrayed as sweet furry black & white “nuggets of love” that anyone with a heart would just wanna give a great BIG BEAR HUG to. But New York Karith is like, “Snap out of it jackasses! The operative word here is ‘BEAR’. Panda BEAR! Not Panda Puppy! Not Panda Pussy Cat! Panda frickin’ BEAR.” Bears eat people. You know what’s even more upsetting is that ½ an hour after the bears snacked on the Chinese natives they were hungry again. Damn shame.
Last week California overturned the law making it legal for gay people to marry. I have to be honest I’ve been torn about it. Texas Karith is like: “It’s about friggin’ time! I mean shouldn’t everyone should have the right to make a legal commitment to the person they love ?!” But the New York Karith raises some very practical objections to this. And noo, it’s not that she thinks by allowing gays to marry it will tear away at the fabric of America. That’s absurd. And as my homoliscious friend Adam says, “Hello!!! Any gay guy worth his weight in Gucci would never do anything destructive fabric”- unless it’s completely tragic and would make your ass look three times it’s size.” No, “New York Karith” is ALL about how it’s going to affect her.
First of all do you KNOW how many gay people are in my life? This will triple the weddings I have to attend. I barely have a free weekend as it is?! Secondly it’s going to cost me a fortune! I don’t know about y’all, but 98% of MY gay friends have class, style and taste. So you can bet your fuzzy peaches there ain’t going to be any half-assed shin-digs taking place in a VA hall with the reception in the basement. Oh, hell no, we’re talking Black tie or nothing at all. And there is no chance my friends are going to be registered at the normal places like Target and Sears…no, I might as well just handover my next paycheck Williams Sonoma and Hammacher Schlemmer and just watch my true blue Lesbian friends will be rakin’ it in at REI.
So emotionally, socially and morally I won’t be affected by “gay marriage” one iota. But financially I’m screwed! Mr. Imus who’s a proponent for this initially said that gay people getting married wasn’t going to affect him either- well it is now, ‘cause New York Karith is gonna need a serious raise.
Karith Foster: Humorist, TV Radio Personality, Speaker, Author
Karith Foster is a stand-up comedian, motivational speaker, TV & radio personality, actress, author, blogger and entrepreneur.
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