Look Before You Sit

Yesterday a very disconcerting news story came out of St. Louis about a man who got stuck to a toilet seat in Home Depot. Of course it was a man! That’s because the odds of this ever happening to a woman are slim to none. There are two main reasons this wouldn’t happen to a girl. I can confidently say that EVERY woman in the Western world ALWAYS looks before she sits. For us it’s as natural as breathing, as sleeping, as checking our hair in anything that resembles a mirror. We check the seat in part, because if we’re “lucky” enough to have a man in our lives we know darn well that the toilet seat may not always be down and only once is enough for a deep dish bidet experience. Even in a women’s restroom we look- because not everyone’s a sitter- there are squatters out there who splatter. On more than one occasion in my old office I was on potty patrol and had to post signs that said “If you sprinkle when you tinkle- please be neat and wipe the seat!” That was my nice way of saying, “Don’t be a nasty ass!”

Secondly when we’re talking public restrooms, most women have a condition called “bashful bladder” which really means bashful bowels but that’s not really ladylike to say. So unless we’ve been slipped a horse laxative 90% of women will hold it till they get home.

My boyfriend Mat said it wasn’t ‘cause the guy was a man that it happened it was because he was a dumbass- I of course wanted to argue that sometimes those words are interchangeable. Like potato/potahto, tomato/tomahto…man/dumbass. But then I remembered that women do dumbass things too- like the case of the woman in Kansas who refused to get off her boyfriend’s toilet thus becoming fused with it over the course of two years. Sick? Yes! Demented? Yes! But may I remind you that was a conscious decision- and more importantly it was a private bathroom.