Teenage Wasteland

I hate admitting this but I have a secret that I just can’t keep to myself anymore. I realize that the time to come clean is now or never. Now, I like to think that I’m a mature, together, intellectual woman who knows right from wrong, but I too am human, at times weak, and sometimes when I give in to my demons BAM! before I know what hits me there’s a 14-year-old boy inside of me just having the time of his life. Um, okay wait! That SO doesn’t sound right. Before y’all call the cops or more traumatizing, Chris Hansen from NBC’s Dateline: “To Catch a Predator”, let me rephrase that. Let me also make it clear that I couldn’t be a more polar opposite to the infamous Mary Kay Letourneau or Roman Polanski. Allow me to highlight just a few of the MANY things that set us apart. And by “us” I mean me and the grade school teacher who schtuped her 12 year old student not once- but at least twice in the back of a car I wouldn’t be caught driving let alone fornicating in.

The men I date must possess the following traits:

1. They’re mature. (Meaning they can vote, buy alcohol and most importantly their wisdom molars have come in.)
2. They have a job. (Hell no, paper boy doesn’t count.)
3. They’ve graduated (Not just from grade school- but college. Go ahead call me a snob!)
   

Okay, so let me rephrase my initial claim. For the record I have NEVER “been with” a 14-year-old boy! What I was trying to say is there are moments when I am a 14 yr. old boy on the inside. Not all the time- just sometimes.

And he, for the sake of argument let’s call him Chase, comes out at the most immature inopportune times. Like in the middle of grocery store when I’m perusing the soup aisle I see something like this:

Not only does it amuse me so much that I laugh out loud, but I purchase it- not with the intent to use it, but to showcase to my friends when they come over just in case they don’t believe me when I tell them this exists.

The most recent display of my teenage wasteland mentality came up when I received an e-mail from a casting directory looking for women 18-45 of all ethnicities for the film currently titled “BEAVER”. Really? The adult animal-lover in me thinks, “It’s about time Hollywood made a movie about those adorable bucked-teeth furry creatures who are nature’s construction workers.” Chase, my inner 14 year-old thinks “Hmmm, I wonder if that means I have to wear crotch-less panties to the audition.”